It's father's day.
I hate it.
Why you may ask.
2 reasons – my father and my lack of children.
Father's day is to remember your father. I don't like to. I have no really good memories of him. I have a bunch of the other kind.
Mocking me saying that I should drop out of choir because I couldn't sing “You don't have any fucking talent”.
I was 8 or 9, and my room wasn't clean to his specifications – so he swept everything I had on dresser or table tops on the floor, emptied every drawer I had into a pile on the floor, and knocked over every dresser (breaking one of them). I was told to have it perfect in two hours or else.
Giving me heatstroke because I accidentally hit a sprinkler head mowing the lawn, and didn't notice. So I dumped the bag into our little area between the garage and fence (when had been dumping grass clippings all year). So I was told I had to find it before I could come inside. I dug through that grass for 2 hours and couldn't find it (in the sun in June). I was not let in to get a drink or shower for another 4 hours, because I couldn't find the broken sprinkler head.
I had an open wound on my shin – cut open from a fall. My father made me crawl around in the lawn working on things while secondary water was being used to water the lawn (secondary water isn't purified or filtered like culinary water is – you never drink it, because it is unhealthy). A few days after this he was working on the roof and my leg felt funny (it was weak and it hurt), and I didn't want to climb the ladder – of course I was called a “Fucking Pussy” for that. My mom took a look at my leg and it was really swollen. I was taken to the emergency room by my mother (after a two hour argument from my dad who didn't think I was really sick); I had staff infection from crawling in the secondary water and the doctor told my mom that if I had been in the next day, I would have died, as it would have been too advanced to treat.
I got pushed, and subtly physically abused. I was called worthless all of my life. I was mocked because I could not do sports, and the things I was good at (intellectual pursuits mostly, and really good grades) were worthless and unimportant.
After my mother and I moved out on him (I was 18), he showed up and pulled a gun on my mother. I knocked his arm aside.
So you know what – let's ignore any memories of my father. Nothing good there.
But father's day is also a day to celebrate being a father right?
I'm 42. Due to medical situations, the wife and I have not yet had any children. I want them. Time is running short. I may never be a father.
So on that aspect I really have no interest in celebrating a state of being (fatherhood) that I may never have, and fell profound loss because of it.
So, to re-iterate the title of this post -
Fuck Father's Day.
